the meaning of life....

Well, not so much. I really couldn't tell you much more than, we are here to praise God with our lives. I don't feel like I am very good at that all the time.

I've been thinking a LOT lately. It's really scary to question your very way of life or what you have been told to believe since a small child. But as Rob Bell says, "Questions bring freedom." I want to be free so I guess I want to question things. :)

Today I was talking to a very nice lady. I've known her for about 4 years now. We were talking about plans for the summer and then we started talking about how her husband wanted to move to different places when he gets older. One was dismissed by her because there were "too many gays." Okay, what is so wrong with gay people? I mean it's a sin. A sin just as much a telling a lie or wishing someone was dead. I mean we've all lied and wish someone was dead. We all sin everyday. What makes being gay so much worse than anything else? really? I mean I can't support it by any means, but I also have no right to preach and preach at gay people. We can tell them it's wrong and about the love of Christ, but we must do it in the right way.

So this lady's husband also would like to live in Costa Rica. I said I would love to go do mission work in Costa Rica. She said that he just wanted to live there, because they would live very nicely and well off over there. I was like well that would be nice and ya'll could help the people there too. That would be really cool. I assumed that's what they'd do. I was wrong. She said that her husband had worked really hard his whole life and it wasn't his place to fix everything. That just hit me the wrong way. It honestly ticked me off. How is it not his job to help fix things? I mean he has been truly blessed with enough money and what not in his life. Why not help other people?? It's our job to work together and help other people....I don't know why it made me so mad, but it did. I can't stand people who think they are so much better than everyone else. I would rather someone be a bad person and own up to what they do, than someone act like they have it all together and they are so much more holy than everyone else. I hate to break it to the world, but the only person who was really and truly holy on this earth was Jesus. Last time I checked He wasn't on this earth.

I can't stand fake people. I really really can't stand them. Maybe that's not Christian of me. I just think we need to stop worrying so much about what would make us happy, and maybe start worrying about how to help people who are in need. People who are in need in every which way. Some people just need someone to tell them they are important and others need food or money. Everyone needs to know about Jesus. So that's my thoughts. Take them for what they are worth. Not totally sure what they are worth myself. If you find out, kindly, let me know! :)

What we all really want...

"hello world, hope you're listening
forgive me if I'm young
for speaking out of turn."
-Come Home by One Republic

I've been thinking about life lately. School just ended. School went by so fast. This time in three years I will be done with high school. Scary huh?! I am not sure where I want to be in three years. I am not sure who will be in my life or who won't be. I am not sure if I'll be alive. That's kind of scary.

What's coming up in November?! I think we all know. I think we are all on the edge of our seats, weather we are willing to admit it or not. Some of us have our person picked out, but others of us are still wishing Mike Huckabee didn't drop out. Some of us can't stand Obama. Some of us can't stand Hillary. Some of us can't stand McCain. And some of us don't like any of them and still want Huckabee to be the man. Not that it's me or anything. :)

We get so caught up on the issues. Some matter. Others do not. We all care about some more than others. I just got an email today about the change in country scince the election in 2006 where Democrats took the Congress. Some points made were really good. Others ticked me off. If you would have asked me about them two years ago I would have proudly said that we should change it. Now I am just not sure.

One point it made was: "$11 Billion to $22 billion is spent on welfare to illegal aliens each year by state governments." Well what if they need help? Why not help them? Why do we get so caught up on who people are and where they are from?! Why can't we just help people because it's the right thing to do? Because that's what Jesus did. Now, I know we can't really bring Jesus into politics. We have gotten into this 'do what we can for ourselves FIRST' mind set. That's not right. We should take care of our NEEDS first, but after that we need to help other people.

Sunday in sunday school we started talking about how Christians need to be able to answer the questions people have. People want more than "well, God LOVES you." They need to know more than that. It's hard to give them more than that. What if I just came up to you and showed you my pen. I told you my pen LOVES you. That my pen died for you. That my pen knew what was best for you. What would you say to me? You would tell me I was crazy. You would wonder what had gotten into me. Have you ever thought that what other people thought about Christ? I mean I know He loves me and died for me. Other people don't. They think He's just another pen. That's sad, but we need to explain or try to explain the answer to their questions and not just say HE LOVES YOU! I have done that before and that won't change people. They have to see to love, not just hear about it.

We as Christians should work together to change people and to help people. It doesn't need to be Obama's job or McCain's job. It's ours. I am not saying that we shouldn't support Obama or McCain or we shouldn't vote. We should. It gets on my very last nerves when people just say whatever I am just not going to vote. If you are old enough to vote, you need to vote. If I was old enough to vote I would vote.

I've been thinking about what we all want. We all want to be loved. We all want to feel in control, some how, some way. We want forever! We want life to be happy and good. But mostly we want answers and to know no matter what the answer are that we are loved

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."-1 Timothy 4:12

When All Fails-- Blog...

Many will wonder about my title. When all fails-- blog? Usually my when all fails is pray (which is good to do when all doesn't fail) or when all fails just go back to bed, which I've already tried to do!

So now you are wondering about the whole not praying when things fail. Well I have and to be totally honest God and I aren't totally getting along. That sound bad. I should really rewrite that to sound better, but it wouldn't be as truthful. It doesn't mean I'm not praying, just doubting a good bit.



When I doubt God it scares me.



It makes me doubt myself.



It makes me doubt the last few years of my life.



It makes me doubt everything that ever was or ever will be.



And that's scary.



Now you wonder why I am doubting God and why we aren't getting along...well, that's not the easiest thing to explain and I won't explain it all. Lets just say there is something I've been praying about. Things that I've wanted to happen, that needed to happen, and they aren't happening! (my aunt is playing Amazing Grace on the piano) It just hurts, because it's getting worse, not better....I have only explained this whole thing to one person, but not really, because I left out the whole doubting God thing. Only one person would understand all of this, and I don't think I am going to even tell them....I don't know if I can....This isn't about any stupid boy. It's about bigger things. No one is dying or sick...it's just I can't tell you. If you ask I might tell you. It might be for the best, everything that is happening, but like I said God and I don't totally agree on it.

Do you know what else is wonderful? I am not sure I have I want to teach, scratch that, I want to. I am not sure if I'll be any good at it...I think I'd be a sucky teacher. I'd be stuck all the time between what I felt like I needed to do and what all I could do! So, we shall see....I might as well drop out of school and be a missionary. Ok, I am just upset and have a lot going on with school.

SO I am currently trying to rest in Christ, but it's not as easy as it sounds....esp when I am not getting along with him, but we are working on that....working really really really really hard on that. We shall see what happens. Maybe I really should be praying and not blogging. There is more, but I am going to add it later....

...Thoughts...

"If sinners will be damned, at least let them leap to hell over our bodies. And if they will perish, let them perish with our arms around their knees, imploring them to stay. If hell must be filled, at least let it be filled in the teeth of our exertions, and let not one go there unwarned and unprayed for."- C.H. Spurgeon.

This is my new theme for life. I think it is wonderful. I heard it Sunday morning while Kevin (my youth pastor) was preaching. The quote grips the soul. It makes me want to go pull Joe-Smoe off the street and tell him about the wonderful love of Christ. Dear friends, we have a reason to jump up and down and scream!

Recently one of my best friends started dating a wonderful boy. What did I do when I found out? I jumped up and down. I shared in the excitement of my friend. That's what friends do. I am sad to say that I don't jump up and down for Jesus nearly enough. We should all jump up and down for his love and grace and forgiveness, everyday.

It's been one of those exciting God moment weeks. When every time you turn around God shows something else you've asked about. He just keeps popping up here and there and everywhere. You can't help but smile, all the time. You make a 77 on a quiz and it's whatever because you just saw the wondrous love of God at work. I wish that every week was like my past week has been.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the whole freewill thing. It's one of the coolest and worstest (to all who care about grammar I know that worstest is wrong...I don't care!) things about us. One of my dear friends is terribly lost. I try to tell her about Christ but she just doesn't care what I say. Sometimes I want to curl up in a really small ball and cry.

Flashback from middle school: I use to get into huge conversations with a friend in middle school who didn't share the same beliefs as me. She was one of my best friends. I would have died for her. I loved her, forever and always. After are long talks at lunch I'd go to the bathroom and cry. I'd sit and cry. I didn't deal with it all too well. Ariel would rub my shoulder and tell me not to get discouraged. I built a huge chuck of my life around reaching this girl, and I never did. I remember trying to get myself together enough to face all the faces in Ms. Paradis's 4th period. That was a scary class! I don't know how Ms. P did it. She's a saint. Really and truly. She got me through many of cloudy days (figuratively) and still does. :)

Now with my friend in high school it's the same old thing. I try and try. I don't cry anymore. Well, not as much as I did in middle school. I say this all to say that I hate the whole freewill thing because people have the choice. I also say this all to say I am glad we have freewill because I was given a choice and I'm just not a pre-programmed robot.

Lots of thoughts running through my head. I am happy. Learning more and more how to trust God with all that I am. I hope you are all having a fabulous week! Currently in love with Jars of Clay. If you don't listen to them, you defiantly should! :)

Wondering What I'd Say

You spue questions mockingly,
wondering what I'd say,
you keep them from believing,
if only for today.

They wonder how I run so free,
looking at their chains,
they think that they'd like it,
but can't see past their stains.

The world says what is perfect,
it's tearing you apart,
your face dims with sadness,
from the pain within your heart.

You say it doesn't matter,
He's not real anyway,
tears fill my eyes,
while you promise not to sway.

Miles behind

The lines blur,
getting just close enough,
making sure not one toe goes over.

Almost laughing with tears in your eyes,
if only nothing had changed,
the book slammed closed.

My heart is heavy,
laying down my defence,
looking long past those hazel eyes.

Honesty way out of reach,
the line is miles behind,
but He says, "take my hand."

"Remember that time!" they scream,
you search deep within being pulled away,
tears flowing from our eyes.

Waiting on Me to Change

Good afternoon friends,

I hope life is treating you kindly. My life has been alright, I am clearly alive. :) I've had a rough week full of bad news. I found out many things I didn't want to know or even to be the way it is. I made a 38 on a science test and a 68 on a Spanish test, but I'll retake them and all will be well. I am not really worried about it, God is in control, therefore all will work out.

I am reading a very thought provoking book called the organic God. I love it. It has made me cry and relook at life and my relationship with God.

I made a list of my top 3 sins. It's a scary thing to do, because it makes you stare in the face of it. I think I'll share my list with you:

1. Jealousy.
2. My thoughts (mean, lustful, ugly etc. thoughts).
3. Putting my wants and desires over God's.

That's hard to share with everyone. I might go back in not share, but I think I'll leave it. This really makes you think. You should really make a list of your 3 top sins. It helps to have them down and look at them. It's also scary, because then you have to own them, really own them. I also thought about what I didn't want to give to God. That would be my love life. I want to have a boyfriend, I want to have a husband. I want to get married. God knows that and He also know the right time and the right man. I know this good and well. I still have trouble with it, I don't know why. I just do. It's just one of those things that I think a lot of girls struggle with. All my close friends do. I don't want to be left alone. I have a huge fear of being lonely. Lonely as in not having a guy. I know that is almost stupid, but it's the truth. I have wonderful guys in my life, but done of them have caught my eye. We'll see. I have all these insecurities about it, but that's something I really don't want to get into, maybe another day, I've already been very vulnerable anyway. If you'd like to know ask me, I just might tell you. I have decided to do away with my list of wants for a guy. I now have a big one. He must love the Lord. Really love the Lord, and if he does everything else will fall into place.

Well the organic God has been so wonderful. So many great things are said.

"it was as if someone pushed down on a big, deep, yellowish purple bruise on my soul. I wanted to run way..." -Margaret Feinberg

I thought it was a beautiful thought. It's so descriptive of having your heart hurt, your soul hurt. Now, not by a guy, but by life, by our own clumsy ways of trying to be successfully on our own by our own rules. We all get these "big, deep, yellowish purple bruises" on our souls. We all get them from different reasons. We lose sight of God and we run, weather it's because we've found something that seems to have better use of our love, or our sin.

This book is amazing. It makes you question your thoughts on the church, God, and being who you need to be. You should all read it.

alright as you see I have a lot of thoughts floating around in this head of mine. All will be well I know. Right now I just hurt...I'm broken and stressed. All will be well. soon hopefully. I have a very amazing, loving, bighearted, generous man looking out for me. His name is Jesus.

love you all!! :) off to work on my homework. and maybe eat cold Pizza.

I still don't know why a caged bird sings. :) hehe.